Top 10 Things Not to Say to Your Mother

10. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you for that!
9. Well, it’s not a snake, so I’m still alive.
8. If beds aren’t made for jumping on, then why do they have springs in them?
7. It’s more economical and ecologically friendly to drink directly from the jug. See—no dirty glass!
6. But Lucky said that if I don’t feed him from the table, he’ll kill me in my sleep.
5. Scientists have shown that bread crusts contain carcinogens!
4. Of course I was born in a barn. Weren’t you there, too?
3. But running with scissors is okay if you point them away from you.
2. This doesn’t taste quite the same. Are you sure you followed Grandma’s recipe?

And now for the number one thing not to say to your mother:

1. If I come home drunk enough, I can sleep in any kind of filth.