Top 10 Things Not to Say to Your Mother

10. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you for that!
9. Well, it’s not a snake, so I’m still alive.
8. If beds aren’t made for jumping on, then why do they have springs in them?
7. It’s more economical and ecologically friendly to drink directly from the jug. See—no dirty glass!
6. But Lucky said that if I don’t feed him from the table, he’ll kill me in my sleep.
5. Scientists have shown that bread crusts contain carcinogens!
4. Of course I was born in a barn. Weren’t you there, too?
3. But running with scissors is okay if you point them away from you.
2. This doesn’t taste quite the same. Are you sure you followed Grandma’s recipe?

And now for the number one thing not to say to your mother:

1. If I come home drunk enough, I can sleep in any kind of filth.

Top 10 Things Not to Say When Being Stopped for DUI

10. What are all those pretty lights back there? Is it Christmas?

9. Say my ABC’s backwards? Sure. But you go first and see who does it better.

8. Sho, you wancha shee my driverzh lishenj?

7. Could you please open the door for me? I can’t seem to find the handle.

6. Got any donuts?

5. Did you know that police cars contribute more to global warming than any other kind of car?

4. But officer, driving in a straight line is SOOOO boring!

3. Here . . . have a beer, officer.

2. No. You give me your driver’s license and registration.

And now for the number one thing not to say when being stopped for DUI:

1. You want me to close my eyes and touch my WHAT?